Parenting is a tough task. Some days I feel that if I step on one more dropped goldfish, I’ll just roll over, raise the white flag, and let them have their way.

Sometimes we don’t have the brain power to handle one more “get your shoes on!” battle or another “3 more bites” plea.

But I have a secret weapon…and it will make your parenting 10x’s easier!

That secret weapon is SCRIPTS.

What?!?! Scripted parenting?

That’s right. When my brain can’t handle it anymore, I resort to scripts. If you can memorize what you are going to say beforehand, you don’t have to worry about coming up with the right words on the spot.

Over the years, I have discovered some phrases through trial, error, and research that have changed my parenting.

Here are my top 10 parenting scripts.

1. “Would you like to _____ or ______?”

This phrase I learned through a parenting and teaching curriculum called Love and Logic. The curriculum suggests that feeling in-control is a basic human need. Many times that’s why our kids resist parental authority. As parents, we often tell our kids what to do. That gives them no voice of their own. Instead of barking orders, offer the child some choices, where you are comfortable with both of the outcomes.

The child will feel like they have control, and you will be happy with either result.

Examples:
- “Sophia, would you like to eat eggs or oatmeal for breakfast?”
- “Daniel, would you like to turn the TV off now or in 10 minutes?”
- “Zach, it’s bedtime. Would you like to brush your teeth first or read a book?”
- “Catherine, do you want to clean your room and earn some money, or do you want to pay me to do it?”
- “Carter, do you want to eat 5 more bites or 7 more bites?”

Now trust me, I have one of those kids who either:
a) takes forever to decide

or

b) goes for a 3rd option that was not one of the choices.

If your child tries cheat the system, simply let them know that you will be deciding for them in 10 seconds, and then start counting on your fingers. They will think twice about manipulating you next time, especially when you start the countdown.

Resource: This phrase was discovered from the curriculum Love and Logic.

2. “Nice try!”

This is another great Love and Logic trick. All kids love to manipulate with their words. It is human nature to try to control other people and situations so that you can have your way. Years ago, when I would correct my oldest son, he would throw himself on the ground and pout “I’m just not a good boy.” My other son straight up tells me “Well, you’re just annoying me!”

I used to argue with this kind of manipulation, but that is exactly what my kids wanted. The more they argued with me, the more I would change my mind on an issue. The phrase that helped me escape from these arguments was “Nice try!”.

It is a quick way of saying, “I see that you are trying to manipulate me. It’s not going to work. You’ll have to try something else.”

Be sure to say this one with a smile.

Example:
Kyle: Dad, can I play video games?
Kyle’s Dad: I wish I could let you bud, but we have to go right now.
Kyle: You NEVER let me play video games. You just don’t want me to have any fun, ever!
Kyle’s dad: Nice try bud. The car leaves in 5 minutes.

Resource: This phrase was discovered from the curriculum Love and Logic.

3. “I feel like saying no. Why should I say yes?”

This is a phrase I recently started using. Many times our kids will come to us with requests. Often those requests don’t fit in with our schedules.

For example, Let’s imagine that Jane wants to go to a park, but Mom has plans to go to the store.

Jane: Mommy, can we go to the park?
Mommy: No, Jane, I need to go to the store. We don’t have time.
Jane: But I want to go!! We never go to the park!!
Mommy: I already told you, we don’t have time!

Instead of going straight for the “no”, Mom should consider telling Jane “I feel like saying no. Why should I say yes?”

That phrase hands the problem to the child and allows them to come up with solutions.

Let’s look at that example again:

Jane: Mommy, can we go to the park?
Mommy: I feel like saying no, Jane. Why should I say yes?
Jane thinks for a moment and says: Because it would be fun!
Mommy continues to hand the problem back to Jane: Honey we need to go to the store, how can we make this work?
Jane [thinking hard]: We could go for just a little while!
Mommy: Ok, do you want to go for 10 minutes or 15 minutes?

Because both Jane and Mommy or working together towards a solution, they are both calm and rational and can think together.

Also, Jane feels heard because she explains more about what she wants. Handing the problem back to Jane buys mommy time to think if she really has time to go to the park or not.

Resource: This phrase was inspired after reading the book “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss.

4. “That’s a problem…. What are you going to do?”

When something happens that creates chaos, it is easy to point fingers and blame your child. You’ll want to say things like, “What are you doing?!?!” or “Good grief, stop that!”.

Instead of yelling and blaming them, separate the problem from the child. Sure, the child may have caused the problem, but if you start labeling the child as the problem, you are going to damage their confidence and self-worth. Whenever you see something that isn’t going right, start by saying “Man, that’s a problem”.

Now for the fun part. Give the child the opportunity to fix the problem by saying “What are you going to do?” The idea here is to give your child a chance to own their problems and sharpen their critical thinking skills. The child will try to push the problem back to you, but make sure you pass it back to them.

Example:
Lee (age 6) spills some milk on the floor.
Dad: Oh man, that’s a problem. What are you going to do?
Lee: I don’t know! Can you clean it?
Dad: No, that doesn’t work for me. What else could you do?
Lee: I could clean it up later.
Dad: No, that doesn’t work for me either. Would you like a suggestion?
Lee: Okay…
Dad: There are some napkins on the table that would clean that milk up nicely.

I have noticed that my children don’t like being left alone with problems, so if I have time, I usually offer to help or just be present. In that case, I would say, “What could WE do about that.” That way they know that I am there to help if they need it. I’ll only say that if it works for me.

Resource: This phrase was discovered from the curriculum Love and Logic.

5. “That doesn’t work for me.”

This phrase was used in the last section, but it works in so many situations, that it deserves its own number. Whenever your child is doing something that you can see is a problem, you can also say, “That doesn’t work for me.”

The beauty of this phrase is that it is all about you. Sometimes kids will argue with the phrase “That’s a problem.” My kids have said before in response, “No it’s not!”

However, with “That doesn’t work for me,” there is no place to argue because it is about YOUR feelings. It is similar to the famous “I statements” that therapists make you use. This can apply to many situations, and if used enough times, the kids will start to fix the problem themselves.

Examples:
Ali starts screaming in the car to see how loud she can be.
Ali’s mom: Ali, that doesn’t work for me. Why don’t you save that for daddy’s car.

Carter and Jake are hitting each other and fighting over toys:
Carter and Jake’s dad: Guys, that doesn’t work for me. You’ll need to find a better way to play with the toys, or I’ll need to take them for a while.

Parker is arguing with his mom in the car.
Parker’s mom: Bud, this conversation isn’t working for me. I’ll talk later.

Resource: Inspired from the Love and Logic curriculum and Loving on Purpose by Danny Silk.

6. Mirroring.

Have you ever had trouble getting information out of your children? Whether they were just fighting, and you can’t figure out the truth, or you simply want to know the details of their school day, try mirroring what they say to get more information.

This isn’t a pre-made script. It changes with every conversation, but it doesn’t take much brain power to apply it. Mirroring is simply taking a statement and repeating the main part as a question. This invites the speaker to tell more.

Example:
Mom is taking Kate home from school. She asks Kate “Honey, how was your day?” Kate responds the same way she does every day: “It was good.”

Mom: It was good?
Kate: Yeah, we got to play outside.
Mom: Outside?
Kate: Yeah.
Mom: Who did you play with?
Kate: I played with Leah.
Mom: You played with Leah?
Kate: Yeah, she’s my best friend.
Mom: Your best friend?

You get the point. Just by mirroring Mom figured out that Kate got to go outside and play with a child who is now Kate’s best friend. Similar to the example, I used to get one-word responses when I asked my children how they were doing or when I asked them details about a sibling fight. Mirroring has changed everything!

Resource: This phrase was inspired after reading the book “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss.

7. “I need your help.”

Children like to be helpful. When you have something that you need them to do, instead of barking orders, let them know that you need their help.

Example:
Alexandra is not getting her shoes on quickly and Dad is running late.
Dad: Hey Alex, do you want to help me out?
Alex: Sure!
Dad: Can you put on your shoes? That would help me be on time. I’m going to grab my keys.

or

Mom: Hey, Noah. I need your help.
Noah: What?
Mom: Could you help me make your lunch for tomorrow. I am so tired from work. I’ll make the sandwich if you will get the rest ready.
Noah: Ok.

You are not a slave to your children and your children are not your slaves. You are part of a family, and families help each other. Teach kids this value by asking for their help.

8. “It seems like you are ________.”

Our kids have feelings and those feelings are important. Kids don’t typically say what they are feeling right off the bat. Teach your kids how to respond to their emotions by helping them label what they are feeling. In the phrase “It seems like…”, emphasize the word “seems”. That way it doesn’t sound like you are telling them what to feel.

Example:
Jonathan is walking around yelling at his little sister.
Dad: Hey buddy, it seems like you are mad.
Jonathan: No!!! She’s is just annoying.
Dad: Ohh… I see. So I guess you are annoyed because your little sister did something. Did she take one of your toys again?
Jonathan: Yes! She always takes my toys!
Dad: That must be hard. What are you going to do?

If you are incorrect with your assumption (as seen in the example), they will let you know. but if you are correct and they agree, they are one step closer to owning their emotions and figuring out a solution if there is a problem.

Resource: This phrase was inspired after reading the book “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss.

9. “ ______________ is over in 10 minutes.”

Timers have saved my parenting. It helps to have an end to activities. Instead of telling your child to “Turn off the TV.” Simply say “TV time is up in 5 minutes.” When the timer goes off, walk over and turn off the TV. It usually helps to give the kids a warning before you do so. Say something like, “One more minute!”

This works for all kinds of activities:
- Breakfast is over in 5 minutes.
- The car leaves in 3 minutes.
- Bathtime is over in 10 minutes.
- We are leaving the park in 2 minutes.

Be prepared though, because kids will always push the limits on this one. If breakfast is up in 5 minutes and the child hasn’t finished breakfast, pack something healthy that they can eat in the car on the way to school. It’s smart to make it something that is inconvenient for your child so that they will cooperate next time.

If you know that there will be kicking and screaming when the TV goes off, be prepared to take the child to their room. If the car leaves in 5 minutes and the child doesn’t have on shoes, have an extra set that stays in the car. Make it a pair that they don’t particularly like.

Resource: This phrase was discovered from the curriculum Love and Logic.

10. “I will always love you.”

Children need to know that you love them and that your love does not fluctuate based on their behavior. You will always love them. Don’t just say it either. Show it and say it constantly!

None of the above scripts will work if your child does not feel your love.

Life has been pretty busy for me lately. I noticed that I wasn’t connecting with my kids like I wanted to. So I started doing an activity that they love to do right before bed. My youngest likes to roughhouse, so we wrestled for five minutes before bed. My oldest loves to read, so we all read together after roughhousing.

My children know that I love them when I spend time with them. Find activities that let your children know that you love them, and invest that love into their lives.

Conclusion

These 10 phrases are just starters for your parenting script. Every child is different and they will react differently based on their personalities and ages. Use the scripts that work for you and adjust them as needed.

It is also helpful to come up with your own list.

Published in Thrive Global on Medium.com: Go to Publication